Snapshots of Life!

My true goals...

*wrote this in an email to a friend but have adapted it for this post

I also had a pretty deep conversation with my boss today. We were doing an exit interview...and I asked him for feedback on areas I can improve upon. He gave me really good feedback and one of it was that I lacked a big vision in life. He's not the first person to say that because an interviewer from Cad Schwepps said the same thing. That I didn't seem to have my own agenda. Ouch! heh...It was a good wake up call because I wasn't always like that.

Or at least not until now. I've always known what I want and gone for it. Didn't matter what other people said...I literally did my own thing. But at this moment, I feel torn..not really sure of what to do....what I really want VS what others want from me. And sometimes, a nagging feeling that I might just make the wrong decision out of desperation to make everyone happy.

All of a sudden it hit me that I often let what others think influence my expectations of myself. For example, my mom loves me a lot....however, she just wants me to be an average girl...stay in singapore, maybe find a guy, get married, get an okay job...lead a stable and decent life. (I have a deja vu feeling like I've told you this before in another email?) and so I compromised on my goals. Like getting a double major - one to satisfy my dad's expectations while the other was really for myself. And it actually shows in my grades...I did average on the former while I excelled in the latter. And there are many other examples... it's just crazy I'm only realizing this now.

"I'm one person trying to have 2 different lives at the same time. So that I can be happy and keep others happy. Always going in 2 directions."

And what I really want to do is change the world and make it a better place to live in. I still remember I wanted to get a PhD in the business school, wanted to research and find answers to the questions I had about human behavior, wanted to teach undergrads and MBAs how to think and internalize social responsibility so that they could then go onto impact the world as future leaders. And I made myself give it up because I thought that the people around me didn't think I could make it or didn't want me to do it.

I mean, I still remember telling people that I was giving my PhD dream up and those closest to me seemed relieved. I think now I know why I was telling people about it, maybe it wasn't to confirm and seal it in stone, maybe it was in the hopes that someone would tell me I was being stupid in wanting to give it up. Though that begets another question of why I am seeking social approval. Hmm...

Essentially, I saw myself through the eyes of other people and that image was an average person doing the stable routine. While I'm still unsure of what my true goals are at this moment, I'm realizing that I've sabotaged my own potential. And yes, I'm kicking myself right now.

That said, I don't regret the things I've done. Every point has taught me something about myself and given me a sense of who I can become.

It's not often I get to acknowledge my weakness....but I'm so glad I've learned this because now I can actually do something about it. As they say, Thought = Desire = Energy = Action. I'm going to do some deep thinking now....hopefully I'll get to talk about true Li'er Goals very soon. :)

posted by Li'er @ 10:45 PM