Thursday, October 27, 2005

Understanding me

I was rummaging through my book case today trying to find my notes for class (in another 45 mins); when i chanced upon my Myer Briggs personality test score done this semester. Im not quite sure what to think of this score because I have taken this test 4 times and been told I am of different personalities each time.

I did the test when i was 14 years old and was told I was an INTP.
In January, i took the test again and it reconfirmed the INTP score.
In September, i took the test and was surprised to find i was an INTJ.
Today, I take the test and find that the scores have changed again...presenting to you INFJ!!

WTF! I thought the scores don't change? And well, am I undergoing some mutation of my personality? According to the online analysts, I belong to the rare 2% of such personality types. So now Im going out to buy myself a glass of magarita and pat myself on my back for being so damn special. Right...

Read below to find out more about INFJs.

Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judgingby Marina Margaret Heiss

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.
INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.
Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).
This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.
Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.
In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Good Tuesday evening

Message to Moo: I didn't realize i was on your blog link until today! I went to read it and couldn't stop laughing about the stolen chocolates in Block D. Did you even find who the prepetrator is?

Okay, back to life in the states. I think i broke my official record for drinking coffee yesterday. I had 4 shots! Ow! It was a 6 hour adrenalin rush I think. It definitely kept me awake until 3 am this morning but left me TIRED from all the trembling (due to caffination if there's such a word). While I was really looking forward to the effects of the coffee...i certainly didn't anticipate the overload and subsequent suffering. I was so nervous I couldn't even sit to study for the exam which was the original reason for drinking the coffee anyway. Bah Humbug.

Side track: it did cross my mind if this is how guys feel after taking viagra and not be able to have sex later. Hmm....

Anyway, i was annoyed that I couldn't focus on the book (Transition Culture: Post Communism Capitalism) and basically went to sleep (which didn't hit me till 3am ish). A million things were running through my head. But they were disconnected thoughts: Home, Singapore, london, US, Netherlands, Australia, Poland, Russia.... Then i realized I was thinking of countries.... And I wasn't sure why. I want to be in a new place again. Or maybe it's just being in Ann Arbor that makes me feel like I need to leave.

Im going to NYC next week! Gonna meet Po! hehehe! City life beckons me....


Friday, October 21, 2005

I've got a feeling in my soul...

Brighter than Sunshine by AquaLung. (I love the song!)
And well the entire soundtrack on "Alot like love"....

Anna Nalick "Breathe (2AM)" is amazing too...

I should be studying for my sociology 460 but I don't know how to start attacking my books. Lenski's evolution theory. I do not understand how his theory on evolution has an effect on sociology...Im sure he's making a valid point along the lines...but I can't get my head wrapped around it at all!!! should have dropped the class ...

Grrrr....

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Grandma

I have Dunkie to thank for repairing my laptop. He magically downloaded some stuff that helped me restore the internet settings on the computer. This means I can attempt to blog more often! Well, not really...I spend too much time on the email server called GMAIL! (best invention after the internet really...)

Anyway, many things have happened in my life since my last blog. Here's the major news:

My grandma passed away and I went back to Singapore last week.
I
t was surreal flying home, and I remember thinking "oh shit" when i heard the news. For some strange reason, i wasn't crying and kinda went into auto-pilot mode. Bought an air ticket for 2000USD from a bankrupt airline in the states (no names here) and endured a 24 hour flight. Upon landing in Singapore, my dad drove me to the funeral parlor. All of a sudden everyone seemed to look so much older.
Looking at the body, I didn't know what to feel...just shock...she looked so skinny. It was an empty shell.... I stayed at the parlor for the entire time until Saturday when we had the procession to cremate the body. I guess the saddest part was when my eldest sister returned from UK (everyone who was overseas flew home). She had been the closest to my grandmother and really doted upon ever since she was born. We were conducting prayer rites for all the 5 days that the wake was running. I was told many stories of the life my grandmother (she was 93 years old) and the life my uncles and dad had in their growing years.

I am amazed by the strength she displayed and how much she gave to bring her 4 kids up (my grandfather died at a young age). Many people of her generation really suffered in their bid to have a better life. She was forced to marry at the age of 13 under the orders of her grandfather. She had 2 daughters and then her husband left for HongKong to work. He never came back and ended up remarrying. She left her children with her mother and travelled for 3 months on a junkboat to Malaysia to work as a rubber tapper. She eventually escaped the plantation work and went to Singapore where she worked as a "samsui" otherwise known as construction woman. There she met her 2nd husband (my grandfather) and married him. She had 4 children and worked on the farm. My grandfather passed away leaving my grandmother to bring up the 4 kids (aged 8-15). In between this, she survived the Japanese occupation of Singapore during World War II.
Growing up, I couldn't really communicate with my grandma due to the language barriers. I couldn't speak Cantonese properly. But I remember every morning as i waited for my 5.30am bus to go to elementary school. My grandma would wait with me and arrange the pleats on my convent pinafore (I was in a convent for 10 years). However the older she got, she forgot many things and eventually forgot who her family was. Her last few years was spent bed ridden.

In many ways, I think the grandma I knew started to "die" when she gradually forgot us. She lost the ability to talk and we never spoke in her last few years. In many ways, old age came to take her away...just like it would probably take many of us away.

My mom said that people her generation now look at obituary pages to find out if there were people they knew who had passed away. I don't know...but all of a sudden I saw life's cycle in front of me. I was getting wedding invites, then someday I will be attending baby showers, birthdays of the children my friends would have, graduation ceremonies, work for the major part of life, retirement and then be flipping the obituary section of the local newspaper in my old age. It didn't matter who we were or the titles we hold in society, everyone is the same...everyone goes through the same life cycle. Everyone starts and returns to the same point.

It's made me rethink some of the things/issues....be less particular about life. Learn to enjoy more and want to spend more time with the people I love. Life is really short...where are you with yours? What battles are we fighting? What do you have to show for it at the end of the day?

When i left Singapore back to school this time, I cried on the plane. I wasn't bawling, but the tears couldn't stop flowing. I don't know why since I have never cried when leaving a place and rarely cry no matter how upset I am...maybe it's for the regrets I have though what is past is past. Or for my family in Singapore especially when i think about my parents. Life spins in many strange ways and sends us off in different directions. There was a time I would have resisted going back to Singapore because I disliked the narrow-minded view of society. Let's see what tomorrow brings...