Grandma
I have Dunkie to thank for repairing my laptop. He magically downloaded some stuff that helped me restore the internet settings on the computer. This means I can attempt to blog more often! Well, not really...I spend too much time on the email server called GMAIL! (best invention after the internet really...)Anyway, many things have happened in my life since my last blog. Here's the major news:
My grandma passed away and I went back to Singapore last week.
I
t was surreal flying home, and I remember thinking "oh shit" when i heard the news. For some strange reason, i wasn't crying and kinda went into auto-pilot mode. Bought an air ticket for 2000USD from a bankrupt airline in the states (no names here) and endured a 24 hour flight. Upon landing in Singapore, my dad drove me to the funeral parlor. All of a sudden everyone seemed to look so much older.
Looking at the body, I didn't know what to feel...just shock...she looked so skinny. It was an empty shell.... I stayed at the parlor for the entire time until Saturday when we had the procession to cremate the body. I guess the saddest part was when my eldest sister returned from UK (everyone who was overseas flew home). She had been the closest to my grandmother and really doted upon ever since she was born. We were conducting prayer rites for all the 5 days that the wake was running. I was told many stories of the life my grandmother (she was 93 years old) and the life my uncles and dad had in their growing years.
I am amazed by the strength she displayed and how much she gave to bring her 4 kids up (my grandfather died at a young age). Many people of her generation really suffered in their bid to have a better life. She was forced to marry at the age of 13 under the orders of her grandfather. She had 2 daughters and then her husband left for HongKong to work. He never came back and ended up remarrying. She left her children with her mother and travelled for 3 months on a junkboat to Malaysia to work as a rubber tapper. She eventually escaped the plantation work and went to Singapore where she worked as a "samsui" otherwise known as construction woman. There she met her 2nd husband (my grandfather) and married him. She had 4 children and worked on the farm. My grandfather passed away leaving my grandmother to bring up the 4 kids (aged 8-15). In between this, she survived the Japanese occupation of Singapore during World War II.
Growing up, I couldn't really communicate with my grandma due to the language barriers. I couldn't speak Cantonese properly. But I remember every morning as i waited for my 5.30am bus to go to elementary school. My grandma would wait with me and arrange the pleats on my convent pinafore (I was in a convent for 10 years). However the older she got, she forgot many things and eventually forgot who her family was. Her last few years was spent bed ridden.
In many ways, I think the grandma I knew started to "die" when she gradually forgot us. She lost the ability to talk and we never spoke in her last few years. In many ways, old age came to take her away...just like it would probably take many of us away.
My mom said that people her generation now look at obituary pages to find out if there were people they knew who had passed away. I don't know...but all of a sudden I saw life's cycle in front of me. I was getting wedding invites, then someday I will be attending baby showers, birthdays of the children my friends would have, graduation ceremonies, work for the major part of life, retirement and then be flipping the obituary section of the local newspaper in my old age. It didn't matter who we were or the titles we hold in society, everyone is the same...everyone goes through the same life cycle. Everyone starts and returns to the same point.
It's made me rethink some of the things/issues....be less particular about life. Learn to enjoy more and want to spend more time with the people I love. Life is really short...where are you with yours? What battles are we fighting? What do you have to show for it at the end of the day?
When i left Singapore back to school this time, I cried on the plane. I wasn't bawling, but the tears couldn't stop flowing. I don't know why since I have never cried when leaving a place and rarely cry no matter how upset I am...maybe it's for the regrets I have though what is past is past. Or for my family in Singapore especially when i think about my parents. Life spins in many strange ways and sends us off in different directions. There was a time I would have resisted going back to Singapore because I disliked the narrow-minded view of society. Let's see what tomorrow brings...
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